It's a CRIME...

A crime is a crime is a crime. And rape is that first. And that doesn’t change, even though it is induced out of a society’s outlook towards women in general, or whether it is a result of social repression and a deep rooted problem. 

We can always philosophize the reasons behind a crime. We can argue the roots go deeper than what is visible on the surface. We can debate for years on this. But the fact remains that it is still a crime and that’s the first place to start tackling it. For years we faced issues of Dowry. The entire situation was as deep routed. It was a matter of social convention and status. And no amount of counseling and social movements helped control it, until the law against Dowry was as harshly implemented. The start of control to the menace of Dowry came into being only when the law said this will not be tolerated. And I am not saying we have put it behind us, but it has helped curb the issue, it is a start… 

No atrocities that originate due to societal issues have ever been contained without strict law enforcements. Take the entire civil war in the US. Take the entire issue of apartheid in Africa. For years people tried to change the mind set of locals, but nothing happened until sanctions were imposed and they were forced to concede. Mindset will change. If not by counseling then by fear. For what is wrong is clearly wrong. Try it with understanding… try it with education… no harm. But don’t think twice before using the stick. 

It is staggering that eve-teasing in India is treated as a low priority crime. We have 3 separate sections in the Indian Penal Code that deal with this. But I would be amazed if I can find 1 case per police station in this country which “accepts” eve-teasing reports. Even though every girl has faced it at least once, in her lifetime. I remember during my college days walking up to a cop at the Nariman Point junction telling him that a bunch of goons sitting at the sea face are harassing women by passing lewd comments on them, only to be brushed off with a “jaane do na madam, kyu zhamele mein padna hai? Kuch kar to nahi rahe hai na?” I was so non-plussed that I just walked away, unable to believe what I had heard. I did not want to think what exactly he was waiting for to happen before he took action. On the hindsight, now I feel bad I did not report the guy to higher authority. 

Today, eve-teasing happens because we have “accepted” it as a part and parcel of life. Today women are physically abused, because we have “accepted” that she was responsible for titillating the men! 

There is no sign of the law and order wanting to help those in need. Police are “reluctant” to take down FIRs of cases of physical abuse and rape. Instead they “counsel” the victim to forget about it as the victim will face social stigma! Rape cases do not see the light of the day in court for years. It is treated as dirty and becomes a public spectacle. No one looks at it as what it is first. A CRIME. Will you be this insensitive to a family that has just been robbed, or to the family of someone who has been murdered? Here too a woman is robbed of her basic right to live with dignity and respect. Then why treat this crime differently? 

Society can continue to evolve. Social change will happen. The condition of women is definitely different than it was 25 years ago. More women are getting educated today, almost 50% of India’s workforce is women. We have women at positions of authority. The ruling party of this country is headed by a woman. We had a lady President. The chief minister of the city of rapes has been a woman… We see women in governmental and private sector, much more than we did in the past. Yes, the balance is skewed, but it is better than it was in the 1970s and 1980s. Things will continue to change… every mindset change needs time. 25 years ago there were lesser rapes because women weren’t required to step out as much. Today the number of women working and studying had multiplied many times over… and we see many more cases of rape being reported, than being hidden. Societal change is the key… no one is denying that, however, we cannot ignore law and order under this veil. 

What we need is a very very strict implementation of law. The issue has gone beyond candle light vigils! It’s a national shame that India’s capital is that unsafe! Consider it a national shame and tackle the problem as a crime should be! Take eve-teasers to task… treat them as criminals, which they are. Fast track courts on issues that violate the dignity of women. Send out a strong message that we will NOT tolerate this. Show them that inhuman acts will be treated with inhuman punishments.  Make the criminal feel sorry they were born. Create examples… send out a message. It is essential to create terror in the minds of those who are even inclined to think of committing this crime. Let a repressed person think a million times of what might happen if he commits a rape. Then we will see if the menace is still as rampant. 

For years I have been listening to rape being “justified” as a social problem. Even for the past two days, I have seen jokes about one of the stations in Delhi being renamed as  “Mole-station”. The fact that we can even think of making jokes! Then I have read and heard people intellectualizing the issue far beyond what is required. Again, no one denies it is a social problem. But STOP. Wake up and make it a criminal problem as well, and treat it accordingly. As a society it is high time we stop looking at victims as “criminals” and start helping them. Stop looking at victims as “outcasts!” Maybe then, somewhere, we might start moving in direction that we aim to reach. Stop criticizing women activists for over reacting. They are NOT over reacting. We are under reacting! It’s high time we start over reacting too!

Annoying Questions People Ask!

A: “So N, 30 years this year, when are you planning to get hitched? Don’t wait too long, or the good one’s will be taken!”
N: “No disrespect meant A, but why do you keep asking me this question? It’s annoying and awkward and you know I don’t have an answer. Plus, it is genuinely none of your business and my status, single or otherwise, cannot be a topic of conversation. At least not in front of me!”

This conversation actually happened, before my own eyes and needless to say, A and N have not spoken to each other since!

Why do people ask such awkward questions? Is it sadistic to keep rubbing something in people’s faces just so you feel better about yourself? Or, is it just because people like to gossip or poke their noses in other people’s personal lives? Or, is it out of genuine concern?
No matter how much I try, I cannot get my head around the last part. Unless this question is asked by someone in your immediate family, your parents, siblings etc. the concern angle just doesn’t fit. And believe me very often your immediate family will be sensitive about issues like these to make comments about it in public.

Over the years, a few scenarios I have witnessed have been downright painful, crossing all levels of human decency. The intention of this post is not to judge or criticize someone, but just to point out that it is insensitive, rude and at times downright hurtful to ask questions, answers to which, really make no difference in your life, one way or the other.

[1] When are you getting married?
Why are you concerned? Do you have a suitable match for the girl or the guy? Or do you want to clear your calendar for the joyous occasion? Reality is the answer to this question is as irrelevant to your day-to-day life as asking the question who let the dogs out! It is important to understand and be sensitive to the fact that, maybe the girl or the guy in question is not finding a deserving partner. Maybe, there is some problem, we don’t know about which is private and not for public sharing. Repeatedly asking that question only ends up hurting the person and his or her family, not to mention humiliating them, if publicly asked in a crass manner.

[2] When are you having a baby?
This is worse than the earlier question. There are so many reasons a couple might put off having a baby. They may not be financially well placed to have a baby yet. Worse still, they may be facing a medical problem. They don’t want to discuss that with you! Asking this question, really goes beyond boundaries of decency! How does the answer to this question affect anyone, but the couple’s life? Being polite in such situations is hard, and I sometimes feel, one should be rude. People who ask these questions without thinking, should be made to pay the price of the thoughtlessness. So unless you are confident you see a baby bump, asking this question is not decent!

[3] Why have you lost or put on so much weight?
Really? Take a look at this incident that happened. A friend was facing thyroid problem due to which she had put on 25kgs weight in a period of a year. She was on medication which was leading to mood swings. During an evening out, someone asked her why she had put on weight and she just lost it. Right in the middle of the party she burst out. “I am ill. I have thyroid problem and therefore I have put on this ghastly amount of weight. Anyone wants any more details?”

It is important to understand that one does not need to know everything. Conversations can be based on weather, politics, cricket, travel, education, jobs and so many other things. One need not bring sensitive private issues to a friendly dinner table, at the cost of someone else’s comfort.

The Block that Kills

For years I remember living life in form of words. I remembering itching to open the unfinished book, the minute I had a few spare moments. I remember craving to go back to my desk, the minute something interesting happened, so that I can allow my mind to write my experience, my thoughts in intrinsically woven sentences and words. It gave me an adrenalin rush to relive those moments, losing myself in the web of words. It did not matter who read it. All that mattered was I recorded it, for myself. For years I kept a diary. Then, I started writing articles, short stories, musings… and before I knew it, I was a journalist. Then one fine evening, a friend, sitting miles away, very gently coaxed me into writing blogs. And I was an active blogger for years I wrote blogs and then, just as suddenly, it all just STOPPED. I looked at my blog with absolute amazement today and realized that my last updated post was over two and half years ago!

Initially it was absolute lack of time. Even if something really interesting happened, in the race of life there was just no time to pen it down. I remember getting up in the middle of the night, still tired due to day’s stress, itching to get up and write. But exhaustion and sleep would get the better of me, and those words remained unwritten. The exercise of writing everyday slowly got confined to weekends, and weekends slowly turned to months and months slowly turned to years.

Today as I look back, I remember going through the days when I was angry, irritated, frustrated because I hadn’t had the chance to sit peacefully and just write or type. But like everything else, I began to train my mind to stop feeling. Convinced myself that I will write soon, when I find time. I trained my mind to oppress the desperate need to record my thoughts, the itch to write, convincing myself that sometime soon, I will find the time to write again. I was killing days waiting to find the time to write. Maybe I was just fooling myself, who knows.

However, in all these years, I hardly realized that I was actually not killing time, I was killing the motivation and the enthusiasm and slowly the ability to write. And today, like a badly oiled, unused machine that just doesn’t work, the words and creativity seem to have stopped working. I find myself staring at the screen for hours together, not writing a word. At times, out of sheer desperation I write, only to realize that the writing is neither good… nor ME!
For someone who’s real passion in life was to write, inability to express my thoughts in words has become a real handicap. What does one do, when the very thing that defines them just goes away? I cringe each time I say “I am a writer” for my mind screams, “I used to be a writer…”

I can still feel it all in my head, I can feel the sentences stringing together in my mind, I can see the completed product before my mind’s eyes, and yet, the minute I sit to write, I go blank. People have told me, like swimming and cycling you cannot really forget how to write, sometimes you write well, sometimes you don’t. I have reached a place, where I do not write AT ALL. It’s like losing my armour in the middle of a battlefield. And it sucks… It really does. Because now, I have actually become comfortable not writing! And it is so difficult to tear myself from that comfortable place. But some day, hopefully soonish, I will be out there again, trying to write again.

It’s the way he makes me feel…

Everyone has an imaginary friend, let me correct that… some of us out there have imaginary friends… I didn’t… or so I told myself… for quite sometime… until one fine wintry evening I found myself talking to him… I was upset about something… I can’t remember what… but what I do remember is walking into my room, locking it, staring at the walls and talking (not loudly). I talked, softly… as if I was trying to work out the problem, and 15 minutes later, I felt better… life seemed back to normal and just as I was about to unlock my bedroom door, I turned back… smiled suddenly and the serene, calm and charismatic face smiled back at me! And it suddenly struck me… this might have happened a million times before! I had an imaginary friend… I just didn’t realize it! But that evening I recognized him for what he was… my friend, my confidante… Sachin Tendulkar… who’s posters have adorned the walks of my rooms for as long as I can remember…

A lot has been written about the kind of person he is, what makes him so special, what makes him the heartbeat of millions around the world… With him completing 20 years in Indian cricket on 15th November, 2009, the last few days have a been an overdose of information about the little man who successfully carries the burden of so many expectations.

However, frankly speaking, none of these things matter to me… he might be humble or proud, gentleman or ogre, generous or miserly… it just doesn’t matter to me. What he is in real life is of least interest to me…

What matters to me, what touches me, what affects me, is the way he makes me feel! Sounds corny, I know. But it’s a fact. Over the past 20 years, I am yet to come across a better shrink, a better confidante, a better friend! No matter what the state of mind, I have yet to remember a time, when I didn’t smile, at least a little, when I saw him smiling back at me from the walls of my room. I have yet to remember a time, when I didn’t completely forget personal problems, fights with friends, exam tensions, work worries when Sachin was tearing down the oppositions bowling barricade. All the worries in the world seem to go into oblivion for those few hours when he was making the bowlers dance to his tune. I am yet to find a better friend… who would make me forget what’s bothering me!

But he manages it, each time, effortlessly. One look at him take his stance at the crease and I am automatically convinced whatever it is that is bothering me, will work itself out. Of course, there have been those odd fights with him, when he couldn’t meet my expectations, and a few tears shed because just like some other friends and confidantes, he failed to live up to my expectations… but they are easily forgotten, the next time he is right there giving hope to millions like me. Is it my love for cricket or the adoration of the man… is difficult to understand… but I do feel that the day he stops appearing on the grounds… I will not find the motivation to sit through a match… for it’s not just the love for the game, or national pride that makes me sit through a long day of cricket, but the way he makes me feel that makes all the difference!

Thank you for being there!!

Expectation Management

A couple of weekends ago, while I was sitting at home nursing my ill-health, an ex-colleague gave me a surprise visit. It had been a really long time since I had seen him, although we do occasionally keep in touch via the telephone.

After an hour or so of catching up, on old colleagues, past bosses and the happenings in each of our work places, the conversation had lulled when his cell phone rang.

“Hello”, he literally grimaced into the phone, as if he had forgotten something, and the call was a reminder. “I quite forgot,” he continued, “I am at a colleague’s place…” he replied, to what must have been an obvious question of his whereabouts. “I’ll call you in sometime, when I leave,” saying so he ended the call and sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

“Problems?” I asked him, assuming it had to be his girlfriend. He sighed, heavily, like the next world war was about to begin. Instead of answering my question, to my surprise he said… “Do you remember that training program we attended, on client servicing?” he recalled.

“Yes…” I replied slowly, completely at loss at the context of the conversation.

“Do you remember there was a session taken by that dragon looking lady on client expectations management? On how we should under promise and over deliver?” he asked again. This time I just nodded, clearly perplexed.

He sighed again, “Maybe, they should have some sort of tuitions for expectations management in relationships too!” he finished.

Finally I got the context, I think. I laughed… “So problems galore?”

“Well, you know I have been seeing J for a couple of years now?” he began and I just nodded again. “I really like her, I am serious about her, and I think I am going to marry her soon too… but…” he trailed off. “I sometimes feel overburdened by her expectations of me. It’s almost like our expectations out of each other just don’t match!” he finished, and I waited as I was sure, I wasn’t expected to comment on the information that was incomplete, and so he continued, “I mean, I don’t mind meeting her expectations of me, but at times I feel they are miniscule, ignorable… and well… I don’t really feel like doing them!”

“What kind of miniscule expectations are these?” I asked.

“You know the normal types, calling first thing in the morning, informing if I am late… remembering dates… and so on!” he trailed off… “I mean, I do it most of the times, but that’s not really the problem. The problem is what happens, if I don’t meet the expectation!” he shuddered.

“What’s the problem?” I prodded.

“The problem is, she gets upset, and goes off the handle! Each time!” he grimaced again. “I am fed up of these blow ups, on issues that are not life threatening and all that important. I mean, we all have enough pressures at work… the last thing you need is such pressures from your partner.” He finished.

It got me thinking… I didn’t say much to him, because honestly I didn’t know what to say. How many times have I regretted going off the handle on the most miniscule things, I have lost count of… only to realize a few hours, or may a few days later, as to what was the big deal about a missed phone call anyways! But it still got me thinking about this whole expectations thing.

At work you are always managing, almost juggling expectations of your boss, your colleagues, your clients, the vendors, the support functions… and most of the times, though grudgingly, we manage to manage, and handle their expectations.

I recalled at the number of times, I had bent backwards, bowed down to professional pressures and accepted impossible deadlines, because we were expected to stretch ourselves and deliver. Did we do it happily? Never! But we did it all the same… we didn’t hang up on our bosses when they called at obscene hours or weekends… even though we weren’t on call of duty… We never screened our bosses calls, we faced the music, instead of avoiding the confrontation of a missed expectation or deadline… We meet all our professional expectations, almost at the cost of personal setbacks!

I thought back at the number of times, I had ignored the call from my mother, because I didn’t have the time, a few minutes to spare from my hectic work day. The number of times I have growled at her, when she called me to ask what vegetable I would like for dinner! What’s this? Doesn’t she understand I am busy with more important things? Then I thought of the number of times, I have not returned my friends calls… because there was just no time to catch up with them. The number of times, I have told my loved ones, I am in between something, too busy to say a few words!

I asked myself this question for the 100th time! Why do we find it so simple to accept the fact that professional expectations are to be met… and personal ones can be missed…?

I don’t have an answer to this simple question… honestly… because, maybe there is no logical answer to this question. As I sat back with a book, later that night, I wondered, what’s the big deal making a phone for 5 minutes, because your girlfriend expects you too? But then again, I thought, what’s the big deal about the fact that your boyfriend forgot to make that call? After all, it’s not life threatening isn’t it? But then neither is missing a deadline at professionally once in a while! Maybe, it’s just that at times we are bad at expectations management… and like my colleague said… maybe, we all need some classes, lectures or tuitions on how to manage expectations in personal relationships as well!

Surreptitious Confessions

"An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything." ~Lynn Johnston

I am writing this post, with a hope this bit of wisdom comes true!

For years now, I have had unexplained feelings of anger, hatred which finally led to me being depressed, disillusioned and sad at times! Smallest of the news I heard, I assumed the worst… smallest of the incidents went against my wishes I concluded the sorriest! And when at times, I got into introspective or contemplative moods, which I am ashamed to say were few and rare, I often wondered if I was actually becoming manic-depressive or that I was cursed by some evil spirit that over takes me! And if I was in one of those angry moods, God help anyone who crossed me!

Over the years my friends accepted it (and I thank them dearly today for not abandoning me instead) and chose to define my behaviour as impatience.
My coworkers put it down to me being a perfectionist, (which I am not) and my juniors put it down to arrogance… getting more and more weary of me…
My family and loved ones got used to it (guess they didn’t have much choice), and after a point ignored it if they could, fought with me about it when they couldn’t handle it, criticized me when they could manage, but finally and reluctantly, and I should say helplessly (I am as sorry for that as I can get) finally concluded it as temper tantrums and they too accepted it. Those who couldn’t accept it, I am assuming either avoided me, or just didn’t pay much attention.

And what did I do…? Well, I hid my behaviour under what can only be concluded as an arrogant attitude… which is surprising, because I really have achieved nothing exceptional to feel arrogant or superior about… Instead of tackling the problem head-on, I just shrugged and pushed the problem under the carpet of individuality… “This is the way I am… if you like it, great! If you don’t, too bad!”

Over the years, there were some interventions by friends, who chose to talk about it… by family who reprimanded me for it… and by those special few others, who helplessly tried to assist, handhold and push me into becoming a better person, at times, creating sheer hell in their own lives!

But nothing seemed to touch the barrier I had put, where I always assumed me against the world! If I wanted something, I had to have it… then and there… those who didn’t give it to me… suffered, or so my arrogance led me to think… With some, I pushed them out of my life, just like that… with others, I forced them to suffer my verbal banter and unexplained sarcasm…

But the conclusion was the same, I was consistently hurting and harming all the relations around me… slowly but surely ensuring that they all started reconsidering their stands towards me…

Finally, after years of non-acceptable behaviour, excessive reactions, and undefined and inexplicable attitude, realization has dawn, and hit me with a force that has left me grasping for breath, literally… I have finally reached a place, albeit late, where I cannot rationally or irrationally justify my attitude or behaviour anymore. It is like opening my eyes after a long slumber… a never ending sleep, a long, long night.
All I can say to all those people who stuck by me, tried to help me, and most importantly tolerated me… is I am deeply and truly sorry for all those times I have forced you to go through something, you were neither responsible for, nor deserved. I sincerely and truly thank you for sticking around me, and believing that there probably exists someone inside me who is not as bad as the external being projects. Whatever your reasons were… all I can say is you all are responsible for the realization I am facing today… and for that I shall be eternally grateful.

I have been getting these pangs of realization on and off for a few months now… but every time I came close to accepting it, something inside me stopped me from accepting it as reality. At times they were shields of individuality, at times they were shields of the fact that if everyone was all nice and good… this world would be a boring place! I can’t tell you how embarrassed and ashamed I feel even as I pen down these thoughts! But the fact of the matter is, the real reason I was avoiding confronting myself and apologizing to everyone involved was because I was afraid, scared, petrified, that it was already too late to make amends!

And that leads me to the second part of my confession… the fear-factor! All my life, I have feared fear… I have phobia of fear itself.

Never in my life have I ever taken a risk… of physical, mental or emotional kind.
I am afraid of insects, because long ago a honey-bee bit me! So I avoid treks, forest adventures and anything that exposes me to the risk of encountering insects.
I am afraid to push myself too far physically, lest I hurt myself! So I have always avoided adventure sports… whenever I could… chancing my limits here and there at times.
I am petrified of numbers, and hence I never took the risk of getting close to maths if I could manage it. Instead of facing the fear I always hid behind the fact that I am more a social being, with interest towards softer subjects. I was afraid to face my real fear!
I am afraid to be hurt by others, so instead of reaching out and tackling awkward situations, I always hid behind the façade of attitude and arrogance, totally and completely unwanted. Every time we choose safety, a safe solution, an alternate option, instead of handling it, I reinforced my fear.

As years went by the situation worsened… my phobia of fear took me to extreme limits. Instead of facing fear, I resorted to angry outbursts, temper tantrums, all to ensure that no one out there understood that deep down inside all this was directly related to fear of some kind or the other.

If I feared rejection from a new group of friends or colleagues, instead on handling the issue, I ensured I rejected them even before they had a chance. Ironically speaking, I am sure none of this would have even happened, if I had not begun to assume the worst!

I am not justifying myself here… because somewhere between last night and today… I have realized that what has to happen will happen. And I can’t stop living, or insulting people or throwing temper tantrums to see if I can change the course of events which may not happen at all!

I docked my ship at the shore fearing that it may hit the storm and drown and never really took into the sea to sail. Today sitting here I feel stupid to wonder why I even thought that my ship would drown and become useless more from lack of use that if I had taken it into the sea. What I needed was just to learn, how to sail! But, I’m not afraid of storms any more, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that the most destructive element in my mind is fear which lead to aggression and the rest! Realization has dawned and I am hoping in time, the change will start to set in too!

I am not fearful anymore. This confession, although late and the apology long over due is my first attempt to face my fear and make amends… If I fail in my attempt that will be my punishment… which again is long overdue. If I am successful at my attempt I would have finally gotten my redemption.

I hope I am not too late to say "I am Sorry"!

Uptown Girl

Why can't we write our own rules?

“Why is it that we are willing to write our own vows, but not our own rules?”

For sometime now, I have been thinking about this… precisely put, ever since I watched Sex and the City movie more than a month back.

All around I see these typical rules… these dos and don’ts about relationships… these black and white divisions of what is and what isn’t supposed to be done.

Don’t be the first one to call after a date…
Don’t be the first one to call after a fight…
Saying sorry gives him/her the upper hand…
A call good night is a decorum…
You must message, talk, email a million times a day…
A romantic evening on Valentine’s Day is a given…

In the past month or so… every time I looked at all these rules given by chick flicks, movies, books, cosmo type magazines, I wondered who taught us all these rules, more important, who made them? What happens when the partner doesn’t match up to our expectations, or let me put it this way, what happens when the partner doesn’t match up to the socially encrypted expectations?

“That’s when the sadness creeps in… the feeling that we deserve more than we get… the entire he/she is taking me for granted… the whole he doesn’t care enough crib!” sighed a friend.

So then, are these so called socially acceptable practices the reason why relationships start going downhill, at times, once the honeymoon period is over? Can these rules really be one of the reasons why so many people feel low, unwanted, sad and cheated in relationships? Do we give too much of importance to 12 perfectly stemmed red roses over a warm smile from the partner at the end of a killer day? Do we miss the gleam of happiness and the contentment on his face when he sees you, all because he forgot your 6 month anniversary? What about the fact that he thinks everyday is an anniversary with you? Do we really need these gestures to prove the genuinity of our partner’s feelings for us? Why do we expect our partners to do these tried and tested romantic ideas and actions?

“Doing all these things requires efforts, and the fact that he or she is taking that effort shows us that they really care!” Another friend snorted. “Hence they are essential.”

Another point that confounds me is, why do we keep needing this proof that they care? No one forces anyone to be in a relationship. Today, everyone lives in a world where relationship does not mean commitment, or forever! So the fact that someone is in a relationship is entirely out of choice. And isn’t the fact that he or she chose to be in this relationship a proof enough?

It saddens me at times when I see friends around feel sad, confused, sorry, irritated, angry, because someone didn’t so something the way people usually do! I hate it when someone cribs that their girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t call enough, talk enough, get roses, cakes, gifts, or organize surprise evenings!!! If you are so fond of these things, you do it… why the expectation that he or she should do it too?

“The worst comes when you are compared to someone else’s boyfriend! He does this, and he does that…” cribbed a friend. “If you think he is a better choice, more your type, then why are you with me?”

Then came the even snappier reply…
“It’s not social rules and pressures… it’s because I like being pampered… I think it’s romantic!”

Who said it was romantic? Society?? Or worse still, the marketing campaigns? It’s all well to expect it because you like it… what’s not really healthy is to feel depressed, sad, unhappy in a relation, because it didn’t happen!

There are no real answers to all or any of these questions. Or maybe there are no honest answers to these questions… But all relationships are different… because no two people in one relationship can be exactly the same as two other people. But how come the rules are same… relationships are not run by law, logic or force. They are usually based on feelings and emotions. Every person feel, acts differently… so why can’t we write our own rules… that work for us as a couple, rather than society as a whole??

The choice my dear... is all yours!

The other day I observed a very interesting conversation between my grandma and my 11 year old cousin.

“Did you finish the assignment we started working on yesterday?” my grandma asked her.

“No… I don’t feel like doing it right now…” she began, and then changed her mind. “Actually I don’t want to do it at all…” this she said looking at me, giving me that adorable smile.

“You do know that’s not an option, don’t you?” My grandma smiled.

“But why not? Why can’t we not do certain things?” she asked, clearly in a mood to delay the writing work as much as possible.

“Because it’s not a choice!” My grandma replied calmly.

Unhappy with the answer she turned to me. “What do you do when you don’t want to do something, don’t feel like doing something, but have to do it because not doing it is not a choice?”

Surprised at being at the receiving end of such a profound question I answered, “When there is no choice, you have to do it.”, I answered.

“Duh! I know that! Granna just said that!” she rolled her eyes, clearly expecting more out of a sister she idolizes. Of course it’s not easy to pretend smartness all the time, I realized.

“I mean, can’t I hope that if I don’t do it, it will just go away?” she asked hopefully. “Maybe the teacher will change her mind?”

“Of course, that’s a possibility…” I stammered now looking at grandma for help.

“Okay, let me see. Imagine a plateful of delicious foodstuffs. Say it’s your friend’s birthday feast. All your favourite items are in it. However, hidden amongst the cakes, and chips is a bowl of fruit salad.” My grandma stopped a minute to see the reaction on her face. For the record my cuz for some reason hates fruit salad.

“Yuk!” she said.

“Yuk indeed! Now the most ideal situation would be to ignore bowl of fruit salad, and hope it will vanish by the time you finish the meal. Unless you believe in wasting food, throwing it away may not be an option. You can tell your friend’s mom that I hate fruit salad, but let’s say she is not around. Now you are left with three options. First, you can keep eating spoon full of fruit salad at regular intervals along with rest of the yummy food. The second option is eat it at the very end of your meal. And finally, you can eat it at the very beginning of the meal and then move on to the better food items in your plate.” Grandma waited for a response.

“Okay…” she said tentatively and I was sure she was cringing at the idea of eating that fruit salad!

“If you pick the first option, you will be spoiling your mood, the taste and the experience after every second or third bite.” Grandma explained.

“I don’t want to do that…” My cuz shuddered.

“Okay, if you pick the second option, chances are that after eating all those tasty dishes, you will end up eating something you would avoid, and get up from an otherwise delicious meal with a bad aftertaste, thus, more or less nullifying the entire eating experience.” This sounded interesting. Grandma was a genius.

“I don’t want to do that either…” she sounded sure.

“Finally, the third option. You can start a meal with a bad taste in your mouth and perhaps bad mood too, thanks to gulping something you hate… but as the meal progresses, you will forget the fruit salad totally… finish your meal and enjoy the experience too, isn’t it?” Grandma finished.

“Yes… I think so…” My cuz agreed reluctantly.

“So what will you pick then…?” Grandma asked.

“The third option…” she answered grudgingly.

“Very good. Now coming back to your question… unwanted activities and situations will arise all the time. Time-consuming homework is not going to go away… so what do you do? You may not have a choice of not doing it… but you always have a choice of selecting when you want to do it. Now do you want to ruin the experience of a delicious meal or not… the choice my dear is all yours…” My grandma smiled at me…

And I had a distinct feeling that the little talk was not just for the benefit of my 11 year old cousin!

Who are you trying to fool?

“What do you do when someone is telling you a fib and you know it too?” a friend asked this profound question.

“You blow off the lid,” I smirked.

“What do you do when blowing off the lid may result in that person thinking that you are spying on him?” came the next question.

“Well…” I hate these conversations. They often challenge you to think.

“Well what?” she asked tapping her fingers on the table.

“It depends man…” I said in bored voice, “If the fib is big enough to confront someone with, I say you do it… if it’s just a fiblet, let it go.”

No response. 10 sec, 15, 20, 30, 45, 1 minute.

“What??” I asked, as the silence had stretched too long.

“Some two days ago, in the morning I called M in his office. You know the wifely thing to do… Tusi pahuch gaye ji?” she mimicked Farida Jalal’s DDLJ dialog.

“You call him everyday?” I asked, slightly amused.

“Of course not! Sunday night he told me he had an important meeting to attend at work and he had to reach office early. However, by the time I got ready for work, the man was still sleeping. I woke him and left. The call was just to know if he had reached.” She finished.

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Okay… I gave him a lecture before I left on how he should learn to be more organized and punctual and all that…” she conceded.

“And?” is this what life becomes after marriage?

“I couldn’t get through to his cell, so I called up his office. The receptionist said he hadn’t reached. So I tried his cell again exactly a minute later. This time I connected and he answered. When I asked him where he was he said he was already at work and busy. I could hear the slight noise of traffic. Even AC cars are not that sound proof.” She finished.

“Okay so he hadn’t reached office… but fibbed to stop you from giving him another lecture. What’s the big deal?” I asked.

“Does he think I am dumb?” she asked.

“Look if you wanted to know the truth you should have asked him something like, Why haven’t you reached yet? That would have eliminated the chance of him from telling you a fib.” I said.

“Oh then he would have known I called his office!” she said irritated. “You don’t know these guys!”

“Aren’t you making a mountain of a mole hill?” I asked tentatively.

“This is not the only time. He fibs on and off just to stop me from pestering him,” she added.
“So stop pestering him!” I suggested.

“You think I do that for my own good? You think I was getting late for that all-important meeting?” she asked. “I do it for his own good… why can’t he understand that?”

“Well… I don’t have an answer for that… but the old saying, You can fool everyone, but you can’t fool yourself usually works!” I continued. “It happens with all of us doesn’t it? We often fib to get out of complicated arguments. The point still remains that if you can’t fool yourself.”

“Hmmmm…” she conceded.

“See… telling you he has reached office, he has managed to silence your pestering. But does that mean he will get away with reaching late? Of course not. So he knows the situation, and he can face the consequences. Why are you taking tension? M is a big boy… he can take the consequences.” I smiled. “Next time, don’t ask…” I suggested.

“Yes… I guess that would be for the best. It will save some antacid intakes for me!” she laughed.

Yes sir, I have completed four laps…
Mom, I have finished studying for the test…
Of course, I have exercised today…
I replied to your sms, how come you didn’t get it?

We all use these fibs, err… excuses to get out of more questions, accusations, lectures and so on. Who are we trying to fool? That almost always remains a question…

Random conversation...

I was in one of those ‘I-want-to-pull-my-hair-off-in frustration’ sort of mood. Middle of the workday, crying to release the built up irritation was not an option either. So I was keeping my tone low and voice calm as I dealt with issues at hand. Smiling where response was not required, nodding where one was, I opted for minimum expenditure on words, because I was afraid someone innocent would fall victim to a backlash! It was in this mood that the phone rang.

“Hello…” said Kay in a very low voice. So I was not the only one having an off day, I smirked to myself.

“Hey babe, wassup?” I worded the usual greetings.

“Nothing…” she sighed deeply. Now here came the tricky part. Do I dare ask the question?

“What’s wrong?” I asked tentatively, praying she answers with another one of those ‘Nothing!”

“Nothing…” she began, then stopped. “Okay everything…” My hopes crashed.

“Out with it…” I sighed too.

“AJ is getting on my nerves now…” she sighed. “I don’t think I can take this pestering from him for too long. He nags and nags and nags, and when that doesn’t work, the sarcasm comes in, and when that fails too… it’s the cold shouldering. I am just so fed up.”

“Nags about what?” I asked.

“Every little thing. Did you pay the phone bills, did you go to the doctor, did you finish X, did you pick up Y… God he just can’t let the small things go.” She finished with a bang, literally. I believe that was the sound of her hand thumping the table.

“I see…” seeing, yet not seeing it.

“Have you spoken to him about how this is irritating you?” I asked, finding it easy to relate to AJ, and smiled thinking of that certain someone nodding vigorously.

“Yes, hundred times. I have asked him to leave me alone with my chores. I am 27 years old and can fully manage my life. I don’t need a keeper controlling my moves…” she sounded genuinely pissed off.

“And is that what you think he is trying to do? Control?” I asked, feeling uneasy with this conversation now.

“Obviously… do this, do that. Why didn’t you do this… why did you do that. You shouldn’t go here… please go there! Hello… my parents never told me this… I am feeling claustrophobic now… I just need to be left alone…” she finished.

“So tell him,” I said with a huge gulp.

“You think I haven’t… but the very next day it’s the same old story.” She ended dejectedly.

“Can I ask you something…” I asked, my irritable mood lost.

“Yeah…” she sounded spent.

“Is there any weight to what he says?” I began, “I mean, have you been paying your bills late, for example?”

“That’s not the point,” she said defensively. “Even if I have, I will do it when I get time…”

“Okay, okay, it was just a question.” I concluded. I knew where this was coming from… and hearing someone else say it this bluntly had raised my antennas too.

“I concede that at times he is right. He has a point too. But I can deal with it myself. I don’t need this… I believe I can manage.” She explained.

“And is that what the problem is? That you think he doesn’t believe so?” I asked curiously.

“In some ways yes. I think he doesn’t believe that I am capable of dealing with certain things… I procrastinate sometimes, I agree. But I don’t think that gives him the right to think I just don’t want to do it… or I don’t understand the importance of doing things at the right time. I have my pace and my priorities and I know when what needs to be done.” She made sense… and a lot of it.

“You are saying that the first instance you miss something he is on your case??” I questioned.

“Hmmmm… no…” she sounded uncertain.

“You mean it’s something like mom… and the whole clean your room dialog? After the clothes pile up to the ceiling and you are lost under the pile of books, that the whole ‘clean your room’ dialog comes up?” I drew an analogy.

“Kind of… but not entirely.” She conceded.

“So I say you let it go for now. Don’t we eventually clean the room anyways?” I asked smiling now. “When mom starts with her speech, you remember the feeling? Every yummy meal she has cooked goes off the mind, every encouraging word she has said is forgotten and replaced with absolute irritation. But it’s momentary right? The next time you talk to her, it is forgotten. Why not use the same principle here? So he has been crowding you. Talk to him… tell him. I am sure AJ isn’t unreasonable. So it can’t entirely be his fault. Own up to your side of failings too.” I encouraged.

“I don’t understand,” she sounded confused.

“When you called me a while back, it looked like had AJ been around you would have murdered him. At that moment the surprise birthday party he arranged last month was forgotten. The feeling was lost, just for a while. Babe, take it easy. Listen to what he is saying. It wouldn’t hurt to do as he says… you may never realise he has a point. On his part… ask him to ease up a little. Tell him you need reminders but not nagging. Although I don’t have a solution to what he should do if you don’t listen to his reminders either…”

“I get your point. Meet half way you mean. Basically don’t wait for the reminders to turn to nagging?” she asked.

“Yes…” I said.

“But doesn’t that still entail the same thing? Me working by his pace?” she asked.

“If he is right… where’s the harm?” I asked…

“Hmmm… I am not entirely convinced because then the question of who is right or wrong arises. But I am calmer now.” She said honestly.

“Good…” I smiled.

“Thanks for listening babe…” she said genuinely.

“Nope… thank you. For the conversation. I wish I had this with you an hour earlier… would have saved me some trouble…” I murmured.

“Huh? Yeh kya tha?” she asked amused.

“This is what I call wake up call…” I quipped. “No time for explanations right now. But thanks anyways…”