Why can't we write our own rules?

“Why is it that we are willing to write our own vows, but not our own rules?”

For sometime now, I have been thinking about this… precisely put, ever since I watched Sex and the City movie more than a month back.

All around I see these typical rules… these dos and don’ts about relationships… these black and white divisions of what is and what isn’t supposed to be done.

Don’t be the first one to call after a date…
Don’t be the first one to call after a fight…
Saying sorry gives him/her the upper hand…
A call good night is a decorum…
You must message, talk, email a million times a day…
A romantic evening on Valentine’s Day is a given…

In the past month or so… every time I looked at all these rules given by chick flicks, movies, books, cosmo type magazines, I wondered who taught us all these rules, more important, who made them? What happens when the partner doesn’t match up to our expectations, or let me put it this way, what happens when the partner doesn’t match up to the socially encrypted expectations?

“That’s when the sadness creeps in… the feeling that we deserve more than we get… the entire he/she is taking me for granted… the whole he doesn’t care enough crib!” sighed a friend.

So then, are these so called socially acceptable practices the reason why relationships start going downhill, at times, once the honeymoon period is over? Can these rules really be one of the reasons why so many people feel low, unwanted, sad and cheated in relationships? Do we give too much of importance to 12 perfectly stemmed red roses over a warm smile from the partner at the end of a killer day? Do we miss the gleam of happiness and the contentment on his face when he sees you, all because he forgot your 6 month anniversary? What about the fact that he thinks everyday is an anniversary with you? Do we really need these gestures to prove the genuinity of our partner’s feelings for us? Why do we expect our partners to do these tried and tested romantic ideas and actions?

“Doing all these things requires efforts, and the fact that he or she is taking that effort shows us that they really care!” Another friend snorted. “Hence they are essential.”

Another point that confounds me is, why do we keep needing this proof that they care? No one forces anyone to be in a relationship. Today, everyone lives in a world where relationship does not mean commitment, or forever! So the fact that someone is in a relationship is entirely out of choice. And isn’t the fact that he or she chose to be in this relationship a proof enough?

It saddens me at times when I see friends around feel sad, confused, sorry, irritated, angry, because someone didn’t so something the way people usually do! I hate it when someone cribs that their girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t call enough, talk enough, get roses, cakes, gifts, or organize surprise evenings!!! If you are so fond of these things, you do it… why the expectation that he or she should do it too?

“The worst comes when you are compared to someone else’s boyfriend! He does this, and he does that…” cribbed a friend. “If you think he is a better choice, more your type, then why are you with me?”

Then came the even snappier reply…
“It’s not social rules and pressures… it’s because I like being pampered… I think it’s romantic!”

Who said it was romantic? Society?? Or worse still, the marketing campaigns? It’s all well to expect it because you like it… what’s not really healthy is to feel depressed, sad, unhappy in a relation, because it didn’t happen!

There are no real answers to all or any of these questions. Or maybe there are no honest answers to these questions… But all relationships are different… because no two people in one relationship can be exactly the same as two other people. But how come the rules are same… relationships are not run by law, logic or force. They are usually based on feelings and emotions. Every person feel, acts differently… so why can’t we write our own rules… that work for us as a couple, rather than society as a whole??