Surreptitious Confessions

"An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything." ~Lynn Johnston

I am writing this post, with a hope this bit of wisdom comes true!

For years now, I have had unexplained feelings of anger, hatred which finally led to me being depressed, disillusioned and sad at times! Smallest of the news I heard, I assumed the worst… smallest of the incidents went against my wishes I concluded the sorriest! And when at times, I got into introspective or contemplative moods, which I am ashamed to say were few and rare, I often wondered if I was actually becoming manic-depressive or that I was cursed by some evil spirit that over takes me! And if I was in one of those angry moods, God help anyone who crossed me!

Over the years my friends accepted it (and I thank them dearly today for not abandoning me instead) and chose to define my behaviour as impatience.
My coworkers put it down to me being a perfectionist, (which I am not) and my juniors put it down to arrogance… getting more and more weary of me…
My family and loved ones got used to it (guess they didn’t have much choice), and after a point ignored it if they could, fought with me about it when they couldn’t handle it, criticized me when they could manage, but finally and reluctantly, and I should say helplessly (I am as sorry for that as I can get) finally concluded it as temper tantrums and they too accepted it. Those who couldn’t accept it, I am assuming either avoided me, or just didn’t pay much attention.

And what did I do…? Well, I hid my behaviour under what can only be concluded as an arrogant attitude… which is surprising, because I really have achieved nothing exceptional to feel arrogant or superior about… Instead of tackling the problem head-on, I just shrugged and pushed the problem under the carpet of individuality… “This is the way I am… if you like it, great! If you don’t, too bad!”

Over the years, there were some interventions by friends, who chose to talk about it… by family who reprimanded me for it… and by those special few others, who helplessly tried to assist, handhold and push me into becoming a better person, at times, creating sheer hell in their own lives!

But nothing seemed to touch the barrier I had put, where I always assumed me against the world! If I wanted something, I had to have it… then and there… those who didn’t give it to me… suffered, or so my arrogance led me to think… With some, I pushed them out of my life, just like that… with others, I forced them to suffer my verbal banter and unexplained sarcasm…

But the conclusion was the same, I was consistently hurting and harming all the relations around me… slowly but surely ensuring that they all started reconsidering their stands towards me…

Finally, after years of non-acceptable behaviour, excessive reactions, and undefined and inexplicable attitude, realization has dawn, and hit me with a force that has left me grasping for breath, literally… I have finally reached a place, albeit late, where I cannot rationally or irrationally justify my attitude or behaviour anymore. It is like opening my eyes after a long slumber… a never ending sleep, a long, long night.
All I can say to all those people who stuck by me, tried to help me, and most importantly tolerated me… is I am deeply and truly sorry for all those times I have forced you to go through something, you were neither responsible for, nor deserved. I sincerely and truly thank you for sticking around me, and believing that there probably exists someone inside me who is not as bad as the external being projects. Whatever your reasons were… all I can say is you all are responsible for the realization I am facing today… and for that I shall be eternally grateful.

I have been getting these pangs of realization on and off for a few months now… but every time I came close to accepting it, something inside me stopped me from accepting it as reality. At times they were shields of individuality, at times they were shields of the fact that if everyone was all nice and good… this world would be a boring place! I can’t tell you how embarrassed and ashamed I feel even as I pen down these thoughts! But the fact of the matter is, the real reason I was avoiding confronting myself and apologizing to everyone involved was because I was afraid, scared, petrified, that it was already too late to make amends!

And that leads me to the second part of my confession… the fear-factor! All my life, I have feared fear… I have phobia of fear itself.

Never in my life have I ever taken a risk… of physical, mental or emotional kind.
I am afraid of insects, because long ago a honey-bee bit me! So I avoid treks, forest adventures and anything that exposes me to the risk of encountering insects.
I am afraid to push myself too far physically, lest I hurt myself! So I have always avoided adventure sports… whenever I could… chancing my limits here and there at times.
I am petrified of numbers, and hence I never took the risk of getting close to maths if I could manage it. Instead of facing the fear I always hid behind the fact that I am more a social being, with interest towards softer subjects. I was afraid to face my real fear!
I am afraid to be hurt by others, so instead of reaching out and tackling awkward situations, I always hid behind the façade of attitude and arrogance, totally and completely unwanted. Every time we choose safety, a safe solution, an alternate option, instead of handling it, I reinforced my fear.

As years went by the situation worsened… my phobia of fear took me to extreme limits. Instead of facing fear, I resorted to angry outbursts, temper tantrums, all to ensure that no one out there understood that deep down inside all this was directly related to fear of some kind or the other.

If I feared rejection from a new group of friends or colleagues, instead on handling the issue, I ensured I rejected them even before they had a chance. Ironically speaking, I am sure none of this would have even happened, if I had not begun to assume the worst!

I am not justifying myself here… because somewhere between last night and today… I have realized that what has to happen will happen. And I can’t stop living, or insulting people or throwing temper tantrums to see if I can change the course of events which may not happen at all!

I docked my ship at the shore fearing that it may hit the storm and drown and never really took into the sea to sail. Today sitting here I feel stupid to wonder why I even thought that my ship would drown and become useless more from lack of use that if I had taken it into the sea. What I needed was just to learn, how to sail! But, I’m not afraid of storms any more, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that the most destructive element in my mind is fear which lead to aggression and the rest! Realization has dawned and I am hoping in time, the change will start to set in too!

I am not fearful anymore. This confession, although late and the apology long over due is my first attempt to face my fear and make amends… If I fail in my attempt that will be my punishment… which again is long overdue. If I am successful at my attempt I would have finally gotten my redemption.

I hope I am not too late to say "I am Sorry"!

Uptown Girl